Pam Ponders

This is a common question that many ask themselves.  Saving your marriage - is that what you really yearn for or are you more concerned about loss of companionship or having to face the world on your own?–Despite your motive it is possible to bring marriage back from the brink of collapse, if that’s what you want, by using this simple 5 step course of action.

Step 1.

A small amount of self analysis is required here. For example do you have a burning desire to save your marriage? If you reach the decision that saving your marriage is something that you really want and that any marital problems that you are facing can be resolved with or without third party help, then mark off the first step.

Step 2.

How about your spouse? Do they have the same feelings about continuing in a relationship that has major issues? Obviously you will need to tell your partner about your feelings, and then find out if they feel the same way. If they don’t, and they have made up their mind about moving on, then that’s an end to it. If your spouse is as keen as you are to save your marriage and has responded accordingly then you can mark off step 2.

Step 3.

Both you and your spouse should talk over the reasons for your mutual decision to commit to making your marriage work. Are you both really being honest with each other or have you reached your mutual decision out of concern for the childrens welfare or some other matter that is not necessarily related to your long term marital happiness? Make sure that you have both made the choice to save your marriage because your love is still very much alive and any other reasons for staying together are purely incidental.

Step 4.

If infidelity is the issue that has caused the difficulties in your marriage then it needs to be sorted out as to whether this is a symptom of an underlying problem such as lack of, or unsatisfied intimacy in your marriage. This is often cited as the number one motive for a partner straying. The lack of intimacy or the unsatisfying nature of spousal sexual relations is often referred to by relationship counselors as the “core issue”. All disfunctional marriages have as their basis a core issue that must be sorted out before a marriage can be successfully resurrected . It is vitally important that you uncover what the core issue is that is affecting your relationship. There is no other way, when you reach this step, but to be completely honest and open with your partner over what you believe is the cause of your marital problems.

Step 5.

At the point that you have identified all the core areas of concern you must organize a plan of action. A plan of action could include such things as ensuring that you spend more quality time together, making sure that you are involved more frequently in your kids activities. Sharing household duties may also appear on your list as may making a real effort to ensure better communication between the two of you, perhaps more intimate contact may  be an matter that could do with some improvement .The critical point is that you must both really commit to your action plan and ensure that you systematically evaluate your progress. One of the best ways is to plan to review progress together at a particular time each week; that way it will not be overlooked.

Finally.

Saving a marriage when a couple has been through a period of marital friction can be quite demanding and tiring. Progress will not always be easy–there will be ups and downs–there will be laughter and tears but commitment and perserverance will ultimately bring success.