Pam Ponders

Marriage is the the natural consequence of love. Celebrating with friends and family, we profess vows of faithfulness in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. On that day, fulfilling those vows seems easy. Nothing will prevent us from fulfilling them. Come what may, we will make it through ’til death do us part’. But then the realities of married life take shape, and it is not what you envisioned. You could be asking yourself ‘is there a way to save my marriage’?

Having a great marriage is not taught in school, so you may not yet be equipped with the skills you need to have the marriage you want. But even in bad situations, such as adultery, it is possible to turn the situation around and save your marriage. Remain hopeful because you are not alone. At this point you need to understand clearly what you should do, and also what you should not do in the reconciliation process. You have a desire to save, even transform, your marriage which is what led you to this article in the first place.

Your marriage is in one of the six stages of the relationship life cycle:

1. Romance and infatuation

2. After the honeymoon

3. Staking your territories

4. Evaluation

5. Reconnection

6. Commitment

You are most likely in the fourth stage and trying to figure out why you decided to marry this other person in the first place. You might be thinking that your life would happier with someone else. Coming to the realization that your dream of a happy marriage is not coming true is very difficult. The love and romance you enjoyed has vanished and the honeymoon stage is a memory. This is absolutely normal, but emotionally challenging. Feelings of closeness, especially sexual intimacy, can decline or disappear completely. At this point, it is common to consider having an affair. If you have this temptation, do not give in. Honor the vows you took and acquire the skills and techniques to reconnect with your partner. This stage is painful and trying. Of course, it also has the greatest reward. To achieve this reward, equip yourself the skills needed to avoid ending up as a marriage statistic.

Questions commonly asked at this point include: what should I do if my partner does not want to make an effort to save the marriage, is there a way I can get past the hurt, will we be able to trust each other again. At this point, you need to be cautious and deliberate. Begging for forgiveness or making promises to change may not get a warm reception. Try on the old clich of walking a mile in their shoes. On the other hand, can you forgive your spouse? It might not be easy. These are serious issues and going for a quick fix is not the answer to transforming your marriage. If fact, it will only lead to more hurt. Most marital difficulties develop with time so they take time to fix. Make the effort to have the skills you need to get to stage 5, reconnection. In the end, you will be glad you did and you will know the answer to the question ‘is there a way to save my marriage’ is a resounding, ‘yes’.