Pam Ponders

Recently, the UK has been blanketed by heavy snowfall, with some areas seeing more snow than they have in 50 years. Now, this was all well and good over the holiday season because only a true Scrooge would turn his nose up at a white Christmas, but now all the white stuff is starting to cause some major problems, especially for drivers.

Worsening the situation is the fact that a lot of local councils are in short supply of grit for the roads.  (Didn’t this happen last year?Doesn’t it happen EVERY year?)  This has meant that rubbish collection is sporadic (if it occurs at all), thousands of people haven’t been able to make it in to work and schools have been closed. Admittedly, that last one probably wouldn’t be viewed negatively by the children of the United Kingdom.

The grit shortage has got me thinking though.Some alternative materials to replace the missing grit must exist to help the councils see us through this snowy winter weather.  In fact, here’s a list of my Top 7 grit replacements, just because I’m helpful like that:

1.  Cat litter – Sure, this stuff is great for when Fluffy has to empty out last night’s mystery mackerel in jelly, but throw some of this down and you’ll be on your way before you can say “I can has cheezburger?“

2.  Crunchy nut cornflakes – A bowl of these crunchy morsels is just the thing to kickstart your day, but be sure to set aside an extra bowl for the front drive to help give you that extra traction you need.  WARNING: This method might attract people know as “Crunchy Nuts”. Please remove them from underneath your vehicle before starting your journey, or you may have more troubles than just snow and ice.

3.  Belly button fluff – Everybody’s got loads of this stuff just lying around being useless, so why not sprinkle liberally in the required areas?  It’s super-absorbant!

4.  Frozen Yorkshire puddings – Is your freezer overstocked with these little edible gravy bowls.  Fear not, empty your freezer of the surplus puds and shove them under your tyres.  Thanks, Aunt Bessie!

5.  Gunpowder – Yes, that’s right.  Gunpowder. Spread this “wonder grit” all over your street, set it alight, then stand back and watch all the neighbours come out and phone the police.

6.  Stale bread – You must have some of this on a shelf somewhere.  There’s nothing like a little dried out seed loaf to provide a grippy surface for your woefully inadequate snow tyres.  (May not work in seaside towns.Them seagulls is ALWAYS hungry!)

7.  Broken glass – Especially suited to urban areas or any other places with a high concentration of chavs. This one’s a no-brainer really. Not only will you get top-notch traction, but you’ll also get a couple of punctured tyres.Hey, you gave it a shot…it’s not your fault you still can’t make it to work.

Fear not, though, because there’s all sorts of advice on the World Wide Web designed to make your snow days into happy days.  The AA always offers some great common sense tips, and even air travellers can find handy tips from some of the UK’s aerodromes like the recommendation to use undercover Liverpool Airport parking.

If all the councils across this fair land would simply take note of the above list, this country could be running smoothly once again.The best thing about all this is that when the councils realise how much money they’re saving on traditional grit, they can send some to me!